


Patchwork Constellations

by Psuedo_sweetheart



Category: Andromeda Six (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, M/M, Self-Harm, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:14:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29505336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psuedo_sweetheart/pseuds/Psuedo_sweetheart
Summary: "June was doing this for Jules.  For the twin-shaped wound that had reopened in his chest, when the stars aligned into this broken constellation, where Iris was found, but by the wrong brother, and far, far, too late.With every flash of blue-violet, the phantom of Jules that June carried in his chest, grew, until June started to feel possessed, his every thought and action weighed and measured against what Jules would think and feel, what Jules would do."
Relationships: Juniper "June" Nyux & Traveler
Comments: 4
Kudos: 3





	Patchwork Constellations

It doesn’t hurt anymore.

That was what June told himself every time he woke up.

He swallowed down the cries still on his lips and sat up, wiping the tears and sweat off his skin with the sheets, before standing to his feet and pulling them off the bed. 

His soulmark shone tauntingly on his inner arm, right below the bend of his elbow, a flash of color he hasn’t looked at in years.

After throwing the sheets into the laundry chute, June pulled out his desk chair and sat down. 

From the desk drawer, he retrieved a bottle of rubbing alcohol, before grabbing his pocket knife, set aside on top of the desk along with his guns the night before. Not even he, could evade the call of sleep forever.

Steadying his arm on his leg, June flicked the blade open, placing it in precisely the same spot he always did. He didn’t need to look as he peeled the skin off and flicked it into the trashcan, just like he would an apple- if he felt the need to peel apples before eating them. 

He didn’t bother with a bandage after a quick splash of alcohol to sanitize it. His clothes would cover it anyway, and the sting was the reminder that he needed- not the mark.

Soulmarks, are mysterious and boundless as the love they supposedly herald. Cut off the skin, it grows back while you sleep. Cut off the limb, it relocates elsewhere. Cover it with ink, and hours later it bleeds away. There is only one escape, and it’s one that many over the ages have taken.

‘The mark is proof,’ Jules had said. ‘Proof that we’re people too.’

It was unfortunate the scientists in charge hadn’t thought so. 

They had been fascinated that the monsters they created had soulmarks, and June would never forget the cadaver eyes of the older prisoners. 

The ones missing chunks of flesh and limbs, along with the love they’d been promised. The ones who scratched their skin off with their fingernails every morning when they woke up. 

In the lab, that proof was just another way to be tortured. 

Sometimes... June was tired of being a person. 

He was so tired, but when he slept he saw Jules and wondered if his twin’s gentle soul had sought escape. If he’d gotten too tired from holding June together, and quietly welcomed death and it’s promise of endless peace, like so many did. 

He dreamed of soul marks emblazoned on scar tissue, on gaunt, empty eyed faces. Saw curls of colorful, luminous, skin, decorating the tips of fingernails. 

He saw a fiery, comet with long stemmed, blue-violet flowers sprouting as its tail, instead of gas and dust, marked on the back of Jules’s right hand. 

Done with his most significant ritual, June finished the rest, pulling off his sweat-drenched clothes and taking a quick shower, before pulling all his layers back on, one by one. 

Underwear, undershirt, trousers, button up, cravat, vest, belt, and holsters, then the finishing touches- his guns, before finally slipping his pocket knife into his front trouser pocket.

They had a big job today. On Goldis, one of June’s least favorite planets.

But it didn’t matter. 

As long as he wasn’t dreaming. As long as he remembered how dangerous, beautiful, illusory, images are. 

Nothing, hurts more.

***

Blue-violet.

That’s what caught June’s eye in the rubble of Silta Vie. 

Jules’ favorite color, the color of the flower they never knew the name of, before it no longer mattered to either of them. 

His feet had steered him toward it of their own accord, and as he stared, June realized it was someone’s hair, the vivid color muted by dust, but still distinguishable. 

The body it was connected to was almost entirely covered by rubble, and June immediately went to his knees and started digging, the screams of everyone he wasn’t saving, echoing in his ears. 

He uncovered an ashen face that would’ve been handsome if it didn’t look so lifeless, and kept digging till he reached the man’s neck, absently noting the gills as he checked his pulse. 

It was thready and struggling, but still there. June hurried.

  
The Kitalphin survived. 

This wasn’t the first time June had saved a life, but it was the first time he got to see the life unfold after the fact.

He wasn’t sure how he felt about it. 

Blue-violet, was part of a wound he’d been working to heal for years now. But there was no way he could have walked past a reminder of Jules, buried under ash and debris. He hadn’t even considered walking by, and he didn’t regret it. 

He just wished it didn’t hurt.

  
The Kitalphan was sitting up and looking confused, when June opened the door to check on him.

Soon enough, it became apparent he had lost his memories, and June was just leaning in to reassure and help him through his panic, when his hiccuping breaths suddenly cut off.

He was staring at the grime stained glove that covered his right hand.

“My soulmark,” he murmured. “It might give me a hint, right? They often have something to do with names.”

June froze in place, unable to reply or even blink as the man yanked at the fingers of the glove with visibly trembling hands.

He didn’t remember his own name, but he remembered where his soulmark was. 

That felt significant- it felt like barbed wire tightening around June’s beating heart. 

At the last moment he managed to tear his gaze away, staring at the floor, determined not to be a part of this. Tragedy or fairy-tale romance, it didn’t matter- June wanted none of it.

An unintelligible noise escaped the man’s lips, and June winced. 

He knew that sound. 

It was the sound people made, when they realized someone they loved was now beyond their reach. 

It was the sound people made, when they realized not even stars could promise happiness. 

It was the sound they made, when they noticed their soulmark had dimmed and they would always be haunted by a ghost, done up in washed out colors, that would never shine again.

A strong hand, with long, square-tipped, fingers, fell to the top of the plain, white, covers, and blue-violet, caught in the corner of June’s eye.

He looked. June always looked at Jules’ favorite color.

Faded, blue-violet flowers, sprouting from a dim, arching, comet.

“Iris,” the man said, dully. “That’s my name.”

***

Iris, was quiet, but charming when he did speak, with a wide, easy, grin that never quite reached his eyes.

Of course, he was utterly alone in the galaxy, and if June hadn’t already believed that the universe was cruel, he would have believed it after realizing Iris was experiencing the loss of his soulmate, twice over.

As much as June wanted to tell him everything, he couldn’t. He couldn’t stop second-guessing everything Iris did, viewing him from the lens of a protective brother, wondering if his twin’s soulmate was good enough for him. 

It didn’t seem possible. 

Fate was merciless. It gave people hope, only to crush it- why would it care if Jules was paired with someone who wouldn’t treasure him? 

But June cared. He was the only one left who cared about Jules, and he wouldn’t, he _couldn’t_ , share what little he had left of his brother with someone he wasn’t sure would care too.

At some point, the Kitalphin had washed his glove as best he could and was wearing it again. But it didn’t hide his grief. He kept clasping his left hand around his right, wincing like his bones ached. 

Ryona had drawn him into the medbay, and when June saw her again her smile didn’t reach her eyes either. Her fingers twitched, like she wanted to press them to a wound, but was holding back. 

Damon slipped into the medbay with a bottle of wine after dinner, and June made her tea when he happened upon her in the early morning hours. 

There were multiple lost souls on the Andromeda Six.

There were so many ways to lose.

***

Prince Iris Peg’asi, was even quieter than stowaway Iris had been.

That made sense, though. He’d lost more. He’d lost everything.

But, June could give him something. A few more memories to add to his bittersweet collection. They might even bring him comfort. 

After greeting his brother’s soulmate, June found himself in the same chair he’d been sitting in when all this started, his hand pressed to the raw wound under his sleeve. 

He immediately put his hands on his knees instead.

“I have something I need to tell you.”

Iris was clasping his right hand again, but without the sharp edge of grief on his face. It was a time worn pain now, old and so familiar it was almost a comfort. 

June knew that sort of pain intimately, sometimes it felt like he was made out of that kind of pain. 

“Sounds important,” Iris replied, unconsciously rubbing his fingers back and forth across the fabric of his glove, a nervous gesture of his.

June was nervous too, as he prepared to crack himself open and pour out his most precious parts. 

He was fairly certain Iris would appreciate them, but this wasn’t really about Iris. 

June was doing this for Jules. For the twin-shaped wound that had reopened in his chest, when the stars aligned into this broken constellation, where Iris was found, but by the wrong brother, and far, far, too late. 

With every flash of blue-violet, the phantom of Jules that June carried in his chest, grew, until June started to feel possessed, his every thought and action weighed and measured against what Jules would think and feel, what Jules would do. 

One part of June knew this wasn’t remotely healthy, and another part, who’d felt cleaved in two since Jules died, wondered if this was another wound he should keep raw and open. Wondered if this, was how he could keep his brother with him.

Realizing he’d been quiet too long, June cleared his throat.

“It is,” June gripped his knees tighter, and forced the words out. 

“I hate soulmarks. I think they’re a mindlessly, cruel invention, that people obsess over to their detriment, but my… my brother Jules, he loved his soulmark. It was one of the only things that he had, that brought him joy.”

June’s breath gave out and he had to draw in another that shivered in his throat, as he prepared to unveil the secret that would change everything.

“His name was Julian, and he was named after a comet. He had a soulmark on his right hand. A comet with a tail made of blue-violet, flowers. Irises, I found out recently.”

Iris’ jaw dropped, both hands flying up to press against his chest, his left protectively cupped around the right.

Silent tears slid down his cheeks, and when June blinked, he realized he was crying too.

“Julian,” Iris croaked out, through a tear filled throat. “His name was Julian.”

His shoulders slumped as though he’d suddenly been relieved of a terrible burden, and he covered his face with trembling hands. 

“I called him Jules,” June said, his voice hoarse. “He was the only person I had growing up, my twin.”

Iris’ hands dropped, and he looked at June like he was a star that had appeared after a thousand years of darkness.

“Twin?”

Fresh tears overflowed his lash line as he stared, his eyes tracking over June’s face as though to memorize it, and June almost wanted to take it back. It was difficult to bear the agonized longing in his expression. A pain, impossible to alleviate.

June’s fingers twitched with the urge to press against the space where his soulmark should be, but he kept them clasped around his knees.

Thankfully, Iris didn’t try to touch him, instead wrapping his left arm around himself, his right hand still pressed tight against his chest.

“What was he like?”

June pulled up a smile that only wobbled a little. 

“He was like an open flame in a world of light bulbs. Overflowing with life, despite being so weak with sickness. Creative and funny, and good with his hands. Jules was the kindest soul I’ve ever known. He was the one who held me together when I was falling apart, ignoring his own limitations, just to make sure I was taken care of.”

He hung his head and made himself just breathe for a moment, gathering his strength, as he ran his fingers over the bracelet on his right wrist. 

“These bracelets are his handiwork. I took his when he died.” Unable to look Iris in the eye, June lifted his arm, holding out his wrist. “I have a hard time working the clasp, but I want you to have Jules’ bracelet, if you want it.”

After a moment, warm, fingers brushed against June’s skin, but Iris hesitated.

“Are you sure? I have our soulmark, it’s-” June heard him swallow thickly, “It’s enough. I’ve loved Julian my whole life, not even knowing his name, and now I have that too, I have so much thanks to you, and I don’t want to take what little you have of him.”

Smiling so wide it pulled at muscles he hadn’t used in awhile, June clasped Iris’ hand in his own, and looked him in the eye.

He was perfect.

No mark could have convinced June of that. Only this. Only a selfless act of kindness. 

“I’m sure,” he replied, still smiling as he turned his wrist so Iris could better reach the clasp.

With trembling fingers, Iris undid the clasp, squeezing June’s hand before pulling away to cup the thin piece of leather in his hands, staring at it like it was studded with precious jewels. 

“Is there anything I need to do, to keep it from…” 

He looked up at June with wide, worried eyes, and June smiled softly, remembering his same exact fear.

“I’ll give you the leather conditioner I use.”

Nodding, Iris breathed out a sigh of relief. 

Slowly, he started to wrap the bracelet around his wrist, an expression on his face like he was performing a holy rite. Then he slid his glove off, and held up his hand.

They both stared at the exposed soulmark, still lightless, but now underlined by Jules’ creation.

“Thank you, June,” Iris whispered.

“You’re welcome,” June replied softly, unable to tear his eyes away from the dim comet that never got the chance to light up the sky.

A rush of bitterness finally made him look away, blinking away more tears.

“I’m sorry,” he rasped. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save him, instead of him saving me. I should’ve-”

Realizing he was over-sharing, bleeding out all over what should have been a golden moment in a fog of grief, June cut himself off, hanging his head.

Iris’ hand was warm on his shoulder, and when he slowly drew June into a hug, June had a hard time not holding on as tight as he could. 

He felt like he was going to drown in this new tide of old grief, and he’s never had anyone to share any of it with. He doesn’t know how to do this right. He doesn’t know how to make sure he doesn’t drag Iris into the depths along with him. His brother’s never lover should be kept somewhere safe and sound, but that wasn’t a possibility. Not in this universe. 

Instead, it was June and Iris clinging to each other. Trying to hold each other together, in between moments of violence. 

“I’m glad you’re here, June. You’re kind, brave, and thoughtful, and care so much. Jules wanted you to live, so every day you do, you’re making his dream come true.”

And that’s what broke June.

A sob shuddered through him, and then he couldn’t stop, his chest heaving out broken sounds he hadn’t made since he’d held Jules’ cold body in his arms.

Iris’ arms tightened around him, and June was vaguely aware of the splash of warm tears on his neck, and gentle hands running soothing circles on his back.

He didn’t know how long they stayed like that. It felt like ages and only a few minutes at the same time, but eventually June pulled back.

Eventually, they said good night, eventually June gave Iris one last hug, feeling conflicted over how comfortably his brother’s soulmate fit in his arms. 

It was like holding a lost piece of Jules, and also like he was touching a dream from another universe, but one that wasn’t his, and would never be his, no matter how many universes there were. A strange blend of unspeakable comfort and agony.

He still managed a smile as he pulled away, glad that Iris smiled back and his touch didn’t linger, although the Kitalphan did clench his hands into fists as he stepped back, not quite able to look June in the eye.

When he returned to his room, June just stood with his back to the door, copying Iris’ gesture as he stared into the darkness, seeing nothing but Iris’ face, lit up with impossible joy from wearing something his soulmate had touched. 

Even as the least of the Peg’asi, Iris had probably worn jewels worth more than most people’s houses at one point or another, and yet a thin strip of leather studded with a single, plain, bead was held with all the same reverence.

He was perfect. Utterly perfect. 

Utterly perfect, and alone, and untouchable. Like a fucking, monument, instead of a person. 

This is what soulmarks did to people. Froze them into grief before their true love arrived, and after they left, with so few ever experiencing the time in between. And even if they were that lucky, if they got a taste, would it ever be enough? Would it be possible to be satisfied, either way?

Once he had breathed through the urge to punch holes in the walls, June walked to the back where his bed was shoved into a corner.

Moving stiffly as a man three times his age, he took care of Lizzie, and spent some time spoiling him, before curling up under the covers without bothering to undress.

Tonight he was too tired to try and fight sleep.

When he woke, June performed all his other post-sleep, morning rituals, but he didn’t pick up his knife. 

He just sat tiredly in his desk chair and rolled up the cuff of his shirt.

A sprig of juniper leaves studded with berries, arching over a small, lidded, box.

How a box could relate to a person, or a name, June had no idea. He’d always preferred Jules’ soulmark over his own.

He pressed his fingers to the illuminated colors, bowing his head over it till he could feel his breath against the back of his hand.

“Where are you?” he whispered. “Will I ever meet you? Have you figured out it’s juniper in our mark, have you ever said my name out loud?”

He hadn’t done this since he was a child, and just as he did then, he knew it was silly, but he didn’t care.

Somehow, he felt a little better.

***

A few days later, a nervous Prince Iris Peg’asi, gave June a braided, leather, bracelet.

“You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to,” he said quickly. “But, I thought your wrist might feel bare, and I wanted to thank you.”

It was the same color as the glove he was no longer wearing, and June couldn’t imagine the strength it took him to leave his room with his grief on display.

June’s mouth opened and closed a few times as he tried and failed to find words. He couldn’t even figure out what emotions were roaring through his mind, leaving it fuzzy and unsettled.

“You- I-,” finally, he exhaled and smiled, “Thank you.”

It didn’t have a clasp, so June tied it on and carefully tugged the knot tight.

“Is it okay? It’s not chafing your skin, is it?”

June pulled a tight smile onto his face, “My skin is pretty tough,” he could feel the tension bleeding out of the smile, softening it, as Iris’ concern cut through his trauma. “But thank you for worrying about me, and thank you for the gift. I’ll treasure it.”

The relief on Iris’ face was beautiful, and when his fingers fluttered, almost reaching out to touch June’s wrist- June half wanted him to.

Iris clasped his hands behind his back instead, smiling. 

It was a real smile, because he was a better person than June was. Able to be happy for him as a person, without needing to bring ghosts into it.

At some point Iris’s blue-violet hair had stopped making June pause, and now it was his smile that caught June’s eye.

June still felt Jules’ ghost like it was sitting behind his ribs, and it made him want to pull Iris into his arms, even though he knew it wasn’t right. He couldn’t give Jules’ phantom the love he was promised, he couldn’t give his brother anything, no matter how desperately his heart wanted to try.

His heart was turning out to be as treacherous as the stars anyway.

When he was alone, June ran his fingers over the bracelet. It was a simple three-strand braid, but carefully done, with a knot on either end to keep it intact. 

It was for him. 

Not Jules. Not Jules’ specter.

Iris had made it clear he understood that, he saw that boundary and wouldn’t cross it, no matter how lonely and aching his heart became. 

June was grappling with his own heart, along with Jules’ ghost, and he didn’t know…

He didn’t know if he could say the same.

***

It had been a rough week for the crew and nearly everyone was drunk, sprawled out around the kitchen table, playing games.

The night had started with poker, and then deteriorated till they were playing ‘Sip, Sip, Shot,’ the adult, drunk version, of ‘Duck, Duck, Goose.’

Aya and Vexx had both already fallen on their asses running around the table, meanwhile Iris had had to quit because he lost so many times in a row, June worried he was going to get alcohol poisoning if he kept it up. 

Despite a break, Iris kept nearly falling out of his seat, and it wasn’t long before June sat down the bottle of whiskey he’d been working his way through and stood to his feet.

The movement inspired a chorus of disgruntled disagreement on ending things, from everyone except Ryona, who was already asleep with her head pillowed on her arms. 

June just rolled his eyes, smiling fondly at the flushed faces surrounding him. 

They deserved a break like this, but Iris wasn’t used to heavy drinking. It would be better to get him to bed before he had to be carried.

As they walked down the hall, Iris listed drunkenly unless June held him close, so he did, glad he was barely buzzed, glad Iris wasn’t clingy.

“With a taste on your lips, I’m on a riiiiide,” Iris shimmied, or tried to shimmy as much as he could with his arm slung over June’s shoulders. “Sing with me, June! -You’re toxic, I’m slippin’ underrrrr!”

“I don’t know that song,” June replied. 

Iris continued singing without him, his voice mellow and resonant, reminding June of ancient tales about mermaids called sirens, who sung sailors to their doom. 

While June did find Iris’ voice, and everything else about him, enchanting, if anyone was leading June to his doom, it was himself. 

His weakness and the wounds he’d refused to heal till his heart was infected, and now he found himself rotten enough to be tempted to forsake his soulmate and take a place not meant for him, inside Iris’ wounded heart. 

Once they arrived in his room, Iris went quiet and still, staring at the bed. 

“I don’t want to be alone.”

He leaned his forehead against June’s jaw, and June sucked in a breath so sharp it felt like a knife blade in his chest. 

Iris was alive and real in his arms, his breath warm and regular against June’s skin. Alive like his brother no longer was, real, like his soulmate had never felt. 

Not only that, but he was so hurt, and so, so, beautiful, in every way, with his long, blue-violet hair, and golden heart. 

But the need to ease Iris’ hurt won over the terrible delight of being touched by him.

“I’ll sit with you till you fall asleep,” June told him, as he guided him toward the bed.

A wide, blazing, smile, grew on Iris’ face, and he jumped, likely believing he was throwing himself on the bed, but missing by a mile.

June lunged forward, grunting as he caught all 6-feet of swimming obsessed Kitalphan, who then proceeded to thrash in his grip, laughing hysterically. 

“Don’t tickle me!” 

“I’m not tickling you,” June replied, torn between still being worried at the close call and being amused. “I’m never leaving you alone while drunk,” he informed Iris, smiling.

The smile slid from his lips as he remembered he wouldn’t get to be at Iris’ side every time he was drunk. This would end, everything ends, usually painfully. He couldn’t afford to forget.

Once Iris was safely tucked under the covers, June sat in the chair, feeling the same sense of deja vu he had as last time.

Iris reached for his hand, and June clasped it, his smile returning, all his fears immediately fading back into the shadows of his mind.

“I’m so happy I got the chance to meet you, June,” Iris said, matching his smile, and squeezing his hand. “And I’m so grateful you were willing to share Jules with me. I can’t-” Tears filled his eyes, but he blinked them away. 

“I try not to remember he was your twin though,” he admitted. “It makes me want-” he cut off, licking his lips as he stared at June’s mouth.

A traitorous, rush of warmth and desperate wanting swept through June’s entire body, drowning his every ‘wouldn’t’ and ‘shouldn’t’ and he didn’t realize till it was too late that he’d thoughtlessly copied the gesture.

Iris’ breath caught, cheeks flushing with color, but after a moment, he looked away, his lips pressed into a thin, determined line.

“I know it’s wrong. I won’t. I won’t,” he murmured. He closed his eyes, flopping onto his back. “But fuck, do I want to know what it would have been like to kiss him. To-”

Shaking his head, Iris covered his eyes with his unmarked hand, but June still saw the glint of tears as they slid down his temples.

He let go of June’s hand, curling up with his back to him.

“Sorry. You can go now, June. Thanks for your help.”

Clenching his hands into fists to keep from touching him, June stood to his feet. 

He needed to leave, but he couldn’t leave it like this. This wasn’t Iris’ fault. It wasn’t his fault the wrong twin lived. It wasn’t his fault the stars aligned into this flawed constellation, designed to shatter them both completely.

“I’m not mad at you, Iris,” June said, as he paused at the door. “I think anyone would feel the same. We’re meant to treasure our soulmates over everyone else.” 

That was part of the problem. People obsessed over finding true love, defined themselves by it, then lost it eventually, one way or another. It ate people alive and spat them out, crumpled, shredded, remnants of who they used to be.

“I treasure you, June. I know you have your own soulmate out there somewhere. I know you aren’t Jules.”

Iris was sitting up, looking so pained, June’s fingers twitched with the urge to cup his face and soothe away the tension with a gentle press of his thumbs.

“I know, you know that,” June smiled, though it faded away just as quickly as it hit him all over again, how perfect Iris was. How good, and kind, and so-

June pressed the button to open the door, and had to take a deep breath before he could make himself look at Iris again to say good night.

The relief on his face made it worth the way it tore June up inside.

He had more of his brother’s soulmate then his brother ever would. And yet, he wanted more. 

June wasn’t supposed to want anything. Wanting things was dangerous. Wanting, will make you feel empty, when you’re full. Wanting, will turn everything else that could heal you, into poison on your tongue. 

But it felt like a hungry, bottomless, void had opened in June’s chest the moment he realized he’d done the one thing he swore to never do again, the one thing even more dangerous than wanting things.

Love someone.

  
The following morning, Iris was groggy and irritable till he rehydrated and ate. 

After a late breakfast, he was back to himself, quiet but smiling, constantly brushing his hair out of his face, and teasing the others about their hangovers. 

Everything was normal. Everything was fine. 

June was relieved. He wouldn’t have to face his selfish desires, if Iris didn’t shine a light on them, with his. This poison that promised to fill the empty places inside them, would simply evaporate in time. Eventually this constellation they found themselves in would break, and they’d go their separate ways.

It was better this way.

June kept himself busy, and didn’t see Iris again till dinner time, but it was immediately obvious everything was no longer normal, and no longer fine.

Iris couldn’t seem to look him in the eye, nervously jiggling his leg all through dinner, even after Damon called him out, and proceeded to grill him over what was bothering him.

“I’m so sorry,” Iris apologized in the empty kitchen that evening. “I shouldn’t have-”

“Iris.”

He immediately quieted, eyes big and worried, and June didn’t realize he’d licked his lips till Iris copied him. 

Iris immediately blushed and averted his eyes, his shoulders curling in toward his chest like he wanted to keep folding up till he disappeared.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I can-”

“Iris.”

This time Iris quieted, but kept his gaze locked on the floor, and June’s fingers twitched with the impulse to comfort him. 

But he couldn’t. 

His impulses couldn’t be trusted right now. Not with how his and Iris’ wounds aligned, and created new depths within them. 

Not with how much June wanted to pretend he could defy the stars and build a new constellation with Iris, instead of collapsing into a black hole the second he tried to take what wasn’t meant for him. 

“I don’t think kissing me, would be anything like kissing Jules.”

Iris nodded immediately, his face red.

“I know,” he said. “It isn’t a logical thing, I know, I’m sorry.”

“I was…” June paused, swallowing nervously, “I was tempted to offer.”

Even as children, June had preferred his brother’s soulmark over his own, although he hadn’t been bitter over it. It didn’t feel real enough for him to worry about, not when there were endless tests and training to concentrate on instead. 

But there was something about watching as all the light and color faded from Jules’ soulmark, till it was just another white, translucent scar on his body, that made June understand.

Soulmarks, are wounds. 

Wounds that could be alleviated by the finding of your soulmate, but wounds, regardless. And June had enough of those. He had enough scars. 

He couldn’t permanently rid himself of his soulmark, he couldn’t heal himself of the wound, but he could remind himself what it truly was.

But then, Iris came into his life like a celestial preview of what June could have, as well as a vicious reminder of what Jules had been deprived of. The past and the future colluding against him, tearing him at the seams, and in the midst of the all the conflict and pain, Iris, felt like an oasis.

His confession had sparked an idea in June’s mind.

A fantasy. One where both he and Iris could pretend to taste something they would never have. 

A kiss, that would allow love to unshackle itself from fate, for June. 

A kiss, that would allow love to transcend death, for Iris

As Jules’ twin, this was a dream only June could give to Iris. Not Jules’ ghost. Not anyone else on the ship. Not anyone else in the universe.

Just like a soulmate. 

“I wanted to pretend it was for you, and somehow for Jules, but I- I feel things I shouldn’t for you. Things I was convinced I was too broken to ever feel.”

Slowly, June reached for Iris’s hands, tears streaming from his eyes when he let his long, square-tipped, fingers entwine with June’s monstrous hands, that wanted to shove away what was right, and take what was wrong.

“I’m telling you this because I want you to know you aren’t the only one struggling with selfish desires, and I wanted to thank you. For loving Jules, and for showing me how to love my soulmate, despite all the pain attached to them.”

Iris squeezed his hands, smiling sadly through his own tears.

“Will you be alright? Is there anything you need me to do?”

June leaned forward till his forehead was pressed gently to Iris’. 

He breathed in the lemon-grass smell of his shampoo, and failed not to wonder if Jules would have liked the scent.

“Just give me a little space. But also, remember I’m your friend first, and I will always be your friend, so if you need me, don’t hesitate to find me. We can grow through this.”

“Same goes for you,” Iris responded, squeezing his hands again. “We’ll figure out how to put Jules to rest, so we can be proper friends. Maybe even the brothers we would have been, if fate had been kinder to us all.”

June’s eyes flew wide open in surprise. 

He hadn’t even thought of that, why hadn’t he thought of that? 

In a better universe, he and Iris would have likely been brothers-in-law. In this universe, without the brother or the law to hold them together, they would have to create their own brotherhood. 

It was an idea worth holding onto, an idea that gave hope for their future, one where they would stay connected, in an odd, but beautiful, patchwork constellation.

“That sounds... wonderful.”

Iris’ smile was as beautiful as always, but it hurt a little less. 

***

After that, Iris started to spend more time with the others that were taking this journey with them. 

He made good on his promise of continuing attempts to connect without letting Jules’ ghost impose on them, but June was no longer the first person Iris sought out.

It was a distance that immediately did June good, as he set their shared pain aside, and looked ahead, remembering as he did, that the galaxy looks less hostile when faced as part of a group- even one as disparate and stitched together as theirs.

Sometimes, they would only see each other at dinner, where Iris would look at June with worry in his eyes, and June would smile and talk to him till it faded away. 

Sometimes, they would come across each other in the middle of the night, and Iris would chatter about music, or swimming, or movies, till June forgot what he’d been having nightmares about and they said goodnight.

Eventually, the pain eased. 

Jules’ ghost seemed to fade, still not entirely put to rest, but he felt less real, less prominent in June’s thoughts and emotions, and June felt more himself than he had since Iris’ arrival.

June started being able to seek Iris out, to spend time alone with him without constantly considering what Jules would think, or feel, or want, able to define him separately from what could have been.

Once in a while, June would find himself holding on to his soulmark. Not thinking, or feeling anything in particular. It was simply a small comfort, like a worry stone. 

Once in awhile he would whisper to it, to them, whomever they were, wherever they were.

He still thought it was more a curse than a blessing, but he was determined to make the most of it, to try and give his soulmate what they deserved. 

And it seemed he wasn’t the only one, trying to heal and discover what could be.

He caught Calderon looking at Iris longer than a friend would, more and more, as time went on. 

The captain had been born without a soulmark. 

For some reason about 10% of the population didn’t receive soulmarks, no one knew why.

There were all sorts of names for those who didn’t, most of them in some way derogatory, but Calderon had never seemed bothered by it. Not until he was betrayed by his unmarked lover.

June saw him sometimes, pressing a hand to a spot where someone else on the crew had a soulmark, and could practically hear the ‘if only’ that haunted him. As if no one had been betrayed by their soulmate, as if it promised happiness. 

But June understood. 

At their best, stories are powerful things, and love stories have always been humanity’s favorite. The narrative surrounding soulmates was even more powerful, backed up with the beauty and mystery of soulmarks.

What June really understood though, was the temptation to love Iris. 

For Calderon, it wasn’t wrong, or forbidden, not as long as he made his own a place in Iris’ heart, instead of trying to take Jules’. 

Then one night, Iris was outside his door, a worried frown between his brows, his fingers clasped around his soulmark and Jules’ bracelet.

“June,” he said, his voice wavering. “Would you be able to forgive me if I loved someone besides Jules? Not instead of,” he hurried to say. “In addition to. I would never- I couldn’t-”

Slowly, giving Iris time to back away, June cupped his face in his hands, pressing his thumb to the furrow between Iris’ brows till it smoothed away, the way he’d wanted to for ages. 

It didn’t hurt. 

It comforted him, just as it seemed to comfort Iris, his shoulders slumping as he exhaled his tension in a sigh.

“There’s nothing to forgive,” he told his brother’s soulmate. “It isn’t a sin, to be able to love more than one person. It isn’t a sin, to move on and refuse to let grief eat you alive.”

Iris stepped closer, and June pulled him into an embrace, leaning his temple against Iris’.

The scent of lemon grass, reminded him of easy grins, and mellow-voiced singing. Of a family of lost stars, who always have room for one more. 

“You said it was Jules’ dream for me to live, but it was also his dream for you to be happy.”

“Did he say that?” Iris asked, his voice hoarse with tears.

June’s arms tightened around him.

“All the time. Our soulmarks were the prettiest things in the entire lab, and he’d stare at his all the time, wondering if you were safe and happy. Whispering his wishes for you.” 

“I wish-” Iris cut himself off. “Did I- did it make him happy? Did our mark give him more comfort than grief? Be honest,” he urged.

That was easy, because the answer was yes. 

“Definitely.” June hesitated, before adding, “One of the reasons I gave you Jules’ bracelet, was because he’d made one for you, but I-” June’s throat felt like it was about to close up with fear that Iris would never forgive him, but he made himself go on. 

The ghost of his past self, was another phantom June needed to put to rest.

“I broke it. I tore it to shreds, when he died. It felt like it was just another way the world had broken my brother, and I couldn’t stand it. I never thought- I’m so sorry,” his voice broke, although he managed to blink away his tears. “I’m so sor-”

Iris squeezed him tighter, running a soothing hand up and down his back, “I understand. I forgive you.”

June sighed in relief, and for a few minutes, he and Iris just held each other, soaking in each others warmth and affection, both for each other and Jules, their different, but still shared love. 

“I still have a hard time imagining my life without him, you know?” Iris admitted. “I think about never having him, and the pain of it takes my breath away, even though I’ve known for years now. 

The day it happened…” Iris swallowed harshly. “I was 14, and I was swimming. I basically lived in the pool, and even then I would pretend to be a real merman.”

He laughed, and it wavered like it was made of the water he’d tried to make his home. 

“It caught my eye. The lack. The dullness of the colors. When I came back to myself I was in the medical wing. It wasn’t until two weeks later that I left, and I was…” Iris’ breath caught painfully. “I was never the same.”

June held him even more tightly. “Me either.”

***

Sometimes, June caught Calderon staring at Iris’ soulmark, a furrow between his brows. 

It wasn’t quite a scowl, and it didn’t seem to make him angry, that Iris’ first love would always have his mark on both Iris’ flesh and soul. Perhaps, like June, he was wondering at the futility of it all. Considering how much pain Iris would have been spared without it. 

But, all the same, now that he was less haunted, June could remember how happy it had made Jules, and even if it brought misery to every other person in the universe, he would never, ever, be able to take a shred of happiness from his brother. 

Not that June would ever be able to move the hand of fate. Or understand it. And he was trying to give up on trying. 

He was less tired these days, and he wanted to use his energy for better things than avoiding pain. 

He trained with his crew mates, and helped Iris learn to shoot.

He paid more attention when Damon and Bash cooked, so he could improve.

Iris was teaching him to knit. A weird, obscure, hobby, Nerissa had taught him, to help him calm down when he couldn’t swim.

He swallowed his pride, and asked Ryona for sleeping pills, ones that wouldn’t let him dream.

He was even less tired. 

It was a good life, with room for more good. 

It didn’t hurt anymore.


End file.
